When one enters a small store, the proprietor will always say hello, and you are expected to do the same. When riding in an elevator, upon leaving it is customary to say goodbye, even if you do not know the people you are riding with. They recognize each other's humanity. Of course in a large city one does not walk around greeting passersby, but within our apartment building we do chat with the neighbors.
The standard greeting between women or between a man and woman is two kisses-- one on each cheek (or the air, with cheeks touching), beginning with the right side and then the left. For men, handshakes with an additional arm or shoulder pat. When in a large group, it can take some time for each person to make their entrance with the whole greeting-and-kissing routine all the way around. And farewells are even more drawn out. In California, we were rather accustomed to just closing conversation, giving a goodbye hug, turning and leaving. But here there is lots of lingering, more jokes and conversation, saying goodbye and kissing everyone present, and a slow mosey to the door with parting wave. It would be considered very rude to leave without saying goodbye, even at a large gathering.
Lunches and dinners can last for hours. In restaurants it is standard to get a starter, a main course, and often dessert, followed by coffee. The food can take awhile to come out, and the sobremesa, or table conversation, is very important. This was difficult for me at first, since I did not understand everything that was being said, and being linguistically hamstrung made it hard for me to make jokes or display my usual charm and effervescence. At first, after a few hours of Spanish immersion, my head would hurt. Now I am following the conversation more, although jokes are still difficult. People here really like to talk. They are happy to spend an afternoon walking along the beach or in the park while the kids play for a few hours, and then spend two more hours chatting over a long lunch and calling it a day. Perhaps more banter and drinks after dinner, and don't expect guests to leave your house earlier than midnight. They might not leave until 2am.
Mark and I are small group people. We like intimate conversations. The Spanish seem to have a "the more the merrier" attitude. If you plan an outing with one family, don't be surprised if four families show up. It seems fair game to invite others along.
We have met very few people here with poor social skills. Perhaps coming from the Silicon Valley with it's high concentration of engineers, our estimation of normal is a little skewed towards the nerdy. But we have been very impressed even with the children, who look us in the eye, greet us, and seem quite confident in themselves. We are a bit embarrassed that our kids are a shy with adults and have a hard time holding eye contact, even with people they know quite well. They have no problem with other kids, but when faced with an adult they freeze up like deer in headlights. We encourage them to make conversation, and do plenty of modeling, so we're not sure why we have such timid progeny. Well, I was a very shy kid myself, and not particularly socially skilled, so perhaps there is hope for them yet.
The cultural norm for physical proximity is closer here than in the US. It is certainly difficult for people from Asian cultures who generally do not touch each other and aren't so very warm and effusive to assimilate here. One American mother we spoke with said her boys had some difficulty adjusting to the physicality of the playground in Spain. The kids like to touch each other when playing. Luckily, our kids have not had any problems adjusting to this. It will be interesting to see whether when we return they notice any differences.
You know how in the South people often call strangers "Honey" or "Darling" and it's so warm and quaint? Well here they say "Guapo" or "Guapa" which literally mean "good looking." At first when a man said that to me, I wasn't sure how to understand it, but it's very common to use with strangers and people of any gender. I like to throw that one in to feel a little less square. With their children or loved ones, they use some very sweet terms of endearment, such as cariño (dear) , mi vida (my life), and mi cielo (heaven/sky). The language is rather effusive. Whereas in the US we might say things are cool, nice, great, fun, or awesome, in Spain things are perfecto, maravilloso, fantástico, buenísimo, or estupendo. In addition, people here LOVE emoticons.
Many at one time. Even men are not embarrassed to employ them. I guess it's all part of their sentimental, expressive nature. A word one hears all the time is vale, which means OK. That one was easy to incorporate. One word which I understand the use of but haven't yet managed to employ myself is the word hombre, which literally means "man" but is used to kind of like the way we use the word "dude," often at the beginning of a statement where one is expressing a strong feeling. Like, "Dude, what are you thinking?" Even though it means "man," women use it with each other all the time as well. Trevor uses the word tío (which literally means "uncle") with his friends again the way we might use the word "dude" in a sentence like, "Dude, you are totally getting killed in that videogame."
When speaking, people here do a lot of shrugging. Not a quick, "I don't know" kind of movement, but a sustained, multiple-sentence-long shrug with hands palms up which expresses, "I can't do anything about it but this is the way it is." Mark is good at this one. They also often touch their index finger just below one eye and pull down slightly on the skin when they talk about looking or seeing or watching something. Spaniards also like to throw a little tongue-teeth "tsk" into the middle of their sentences, which mean they are about to say something negative. For example, "I mean, tsk, that is not how I would do it."
It's funny to hear what stereotypes Spaniards have of Americans, based on movies, television, and the news. They imagine that we all live in single-family houses with lawns, in towns with wide streets with sidewalks, with American flags hanging from every home. They think we barbecue in the backyard a lot, and drive our cars everywhere. They think we are religious and conservative, anti-gay, and obese. And they think that Americans tend to be unabashed salesmen-- unafraid to appear arrogant by talking about their own accomplishments.
The Spanish have a certain amount of dignity. Businesspeople don't debase themselves by appearing overly eager to sell you things. Each shop has one tastefully discreet sign (The opposite of Taiwan, where commerce is everywhere you look, and tasteful aesthetics take a backseat). If you like what they have and want to buy it, great, but they aren't chasing after your business. Waiters and shopkeepers are sometimes surly, sometimes cordial, but never obsequious. True, especially in the tourist area, there may be someone standing outside of a restaurant asking whether you'd like to come it. Another common practice for businesses is having people pass out flyers to pedestrians. But on the whole, they like the soft sell, and are not at all pushy. People do not generally talk about their work unless you ask them about it.
All told, we are finding it quite easy to feel at home and comfortable here. It will be interesting next month when we spend two weeks in Germany, to see how people are different there. We have heard a lot about how the Germans are less friendly, more serious, and more rigid than the Spaniards, so stay tuned...
