Last week the thought occurred to me, "I feel happy today. Really and truly happy." It was a feeling of lightness, like a revelation.
It's not that I have been unhappy over the past 20 months of living in Barcelona, but it has been challenging in many ways. I chose this challenge, and I thus I have faced it in my very rational way, constantly reminding myself of how lucky I am, eyes ever fixed on my daily to-do list.
It often happens with me that I don't realize how I feel about things until there is a change of state. For example, I didn't realize how insecure I was as a child until I grew into self-assurance and could look back on myself with some perspective. When I was a teacher, I knew I was working hard and that I struggled with certain aspects of the job, but I didn't realize how stressed I was until I stopped teaching. I think I am just the type of person who can tolerate emotional discomfort for long periods of time without realizing it.
That is probably a good thing, because becoming a foreigner in middle age is not a comfortable thing to do. It's completely different from being a tourist and observing an unfamiliar culture from inside your protective bubble, knowing that you will be home soon enough. Becoming a foreigner is to choose to be an other; an alien, a curiosity, a minority. It carries a certain psychological burden.
If your home country is a powerful one, and you have money or status, then it's easier, because you are likely to feel welcomed and perhaps in some ways superior to the people or culture of your host country. Although if the differential is too great, you may feel suspicious that people are being nice to you in order to get something from you, and that's not conducive to building real friendships and trust. That is why we did not choose to move to an underdeveloped country.
If you come from a country which is more or less equally powerful as your host country, then there is a pleasant mutual respect. The difference in culture is novel and interesting, and you can exchange recipes and ideas freely. This is the situation we are in, and it's fantastic. Many people want to learn English, and there have not been large differences in culture to navigate.
If your home country is a poor or troubled one, however, then the locals know you're vulnerable. You are here to work, and you have the burden on your shoulders of adjusting and integrating to the dominant culture. They may look down on you, or pity you. Your customs, dress, and language may seem strange or backwards. For example, I think about how it must be hard for muslim Pakistanis here: The women stand out like sore thumbs in their headscarves, and imagine trying to eat out when everything contains ham! Those immigrants have every possible hurdle to jump: language, culture, religion, and race.
The Spanish generally like Americans because they are familiar with our music and movies. If they idolize America as a land of opportunity, they may ask, "Why have you come here? Isn't life good where you came from?" The locals know they have it good, with the Mediterranean beaches, the food, the weather, the social security... they wouldn't dream of uprooting themselves unless faced with the prospect of war. They like the idea of visiting New York, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, and Hawaii, but they wouldn't necessarily want to live in what they think of as bible-thumping, gun-toting, crime-ridden, ultra-competitive America.
Of course people don't think I'm from America because of my face. Often they assume I'm from Japan or China. Unlike my husband, who can pass as a Spaniard on the street with his brown hair and eyes, I feel very conspicuous. There is a growing community of Spanish Chinese, but the generation born here is still under 18. I have no hope of looking local, so my foreignness can never be concealed, it's a part of my identity here. It's not that I feel discriminated against here at all, but naturally they expect less of me here.
Growing up in Hawaii, I never had the feeling that I did not belong in America. My America was a multiracial one, and living in northern California only strengthened that belief. Although I have gotten used to being often the only Asian in the room here, I look forward to returning to California in part just to feel inconspicuous again.
I did not anticipate how so many inconsequential unknowns can add up to a low but constant level of stress. Not knowing where to buy school supplies, how to get anywhere, where to get your hair cut, whether and how much to tip the stylist, or what company to use for internet service... all very minor concerns, but when added up make everyday living just a little more difficult.
It took me over a year to feel like I actually live here, to not feel like a tourist somehow. It takes time to make real friends, especially if there is a language barrier, so the first year I was surrounded by acquaintances. I clung to any English-speakers I knew just to have someone to talk to, or any friendly Spanish people who showed an interest. Over time real friendships have blossomed and deepened, and now I feel truly valued here. Yet until I am really fluent in the language, I will continue to feel a bit disempowered, and not quite at home. However, I do not regret this experience one bit.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Burkas in Munich
In Munich this summer we noticed a lot of women on the street in chador*, the generally black Muslim robes which cover everything but the hands, feet, and eyes. (*Note that these terms are used differently in various countries)
Naturally I have seen photos of women wearing these before. When I traveled to Malaysia I saw many women with hijabs* or scarves covering their heads, and the effect can be colorful and attractive.
But seeing the full-length jet-black chador on the street in the middle of a modern european city in summer had a strong impact on me. The solid black color makes a stark visual statement, especially in contrast with the other people around in casual western dress. Especially, as was often the case, if the woman in chador was accompanied by her husband and children, who were conspicuously NOT in traditional dress, but in normal western clothing. "Why," I thought to myself, "have the men and children integrated into modern society while the women remain apart, isolated, stuck in the past? How must those young girls feel the day they can no longer run freely and must set themselves apart?"
I am not a religious person, but I am a liberal person who tries to be tolerant of differences of opinion and belief. I try my best not to have prejudices, but like all humans, I come with the cultural baggage of being an American who lived through 9/11, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, and the Boston Marathon bombings. In addition, as a feminist I found it very hard not to feel disturbed seeing these women enveloped in blackness. It was very hard not to feel judgement. Their children looked happy in their strollers, on the playgrounds, and in the parks. I wanted very much to see these families as similar to our own, yet I could not overcome my feelings of sadness. I hope that the women wearing the chador feel that they freely chose to do so. I hope they do not feel it a burden or a limitation. But I can't help but feel that it MUST be one. Bulky clothing does restrict a person's movements. It makes it hard to play sports, to swim, and be active, which is one of the joys of my life. Feeling the power of one's own body seems to me a human right.
A few times we noticed women wearing a kind of metal mask over their noses and mouths. It looked a bit like a beak, and frankly it was a little frightening to look at. I did a bit of research, and found that these are called burqa* and are common in the United Arab Emirates.
I'm sure they can be made to look beautiful, alluring, exotic, and mysterious. However, I had a hard time not imagining that it might be hard to breathe or speak with something over my nose and mouth.
I can't help but think of footbinding, a despicable practice, now illegal and no longer done, in ancient China where girl's feet were broken and bound into tiny hoof-like shapes, to make them more desirable (and less mobile). "Golden lily" feet were actually considered erotic. Some cultural practices need to be discontinued simply because they are oppressive.
In the west, people only cover their faces in hospitals, during Halloween or Carnival, or when committing crimes. I think it naturally triggers suspicion to see someone walking around with their face covered, as if they have something to hide. It's a cultural bias, I recognize, but it does tend to make an unknown stranger seem less trustworthy. I have heard some women who choose to cover themselves like the feeling of freedom from the sometimes preying eyes of men, that they don't feel like their bodies and appearances are constantly being judged as attractive or unattractive. I think that argument is valid, although in the West they are likely to be judged for their religious belief instead.
It is terrible, but on a rainy day at the playground, a women in a black chador in the distance was gesticulating with her black umbrella, and for a brief moment it flashed through my husband's mind that she might have a weapon. One can't deny that baggy robes would make it easy to hide things like weapons and bombs, and on the bus to the airport it again crossed my mind as I sat across from a woman in black. "I hope she is not a suicide bomber. I hope she is just a normal woman like me."
I am a bit ashamed to admit to having had these thoughts, and yet I think we should talk about these things, air our dirty laundry and let the sun shine on our humanity. When I see a woman in a chador, this is what I see:
In April 2011 France passed a law which bans full-body coverings such as burqas and chadors, for security reasons as well as cultural integration. Apparently they do not have such strong views on freedom of religion in that country. I doubt that would fly in the US, but if we had a large influx of orthodox muslim immigrants to the country, I can imagine the conflicts that would cause.
I want for women everywhere to feel equally valuable, equally free to learn, to make, to do, to drive, to write, to read, to dream, to sing, to dance, to own, to earn, to travel alone, to choose their own spouse, to vote, to choose their own clothing, to have control over their own destinies. Is that me imposing my western values on my muslim sisters, or is that what they also want for themselves?
Naturally I have seen photos of women wearing these before. When I traveled to Malaysia I saw many women with hijabs* or scarves covering their heads, and the effect can be colorful and attractive.
But seeing the full-length jet-black chador on the street in the middle of a modern european city in summer had a strong impact on me. The solid black color makes a stark visual statement, especially in contrast with the other people around in casual western dress. Especially, as was often the case, if the woman in chador was accompanied by her husband and children, who were conspicuously NOT in traditional dress, but in normal western clothing. "Why," I thought to myself, "have the men and children integrated into modern society while the women remain apart, isolated, stuck in the past? How must those young girls feel the day they can no longer run freely and must set themselves apart?"
I am not a religious person, but I am a liberal person who tries to be tolerant of differences of opinion and belief. I try my best not to have prejudices, but like all humans, I come with the cultural baggage of being an American who lived through 9/11, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, and the Boston Marathon bombings. In addition, as a feminist I found it very hard not to feel disturbed seeing these women enveloped in blackness. It was very hard not to feel judgement. Their children looked happy in their strollers, on the playgrounds, and in the parks. I wanted very much to see these families as similar to our own, yet I could not overcome my feelings of sadness. I hope that the women wearing the chador feel that they freely chose to do so. I hope they do not feel it a burden or a limitation. But I can't help but feel that it MUST be one. Bulky clothing does restrict a person's movements. It makes it hard to play sports, to swim, and be active, which is one of the joys of my life. Feeling the power of one's own body seems to me a human right.
A few times we noticed women wearing a kind of metal mask over their noses and mouths. It looked a bit like a beak, and frankly it was a little frightening to look at. I did a bit of research, and found that these are called burqa* and are common in the United Arab Emirates.
I'm sure they can be made to look beautiful, alluring, exotic, and mysterious. However, I had a hard time not imagining that it might be hard to breathe or speak with something over my nose and mouth.
In this kind of burkha it must be hard to see clearly and I imagine it to be stifling in hot weather.
I can't help but think of footbinding, a despicable practice, now illegal and no longer done, in ancient China where girl's feet were broken and bound into tiny hoof-like shapes, to make them more desirable (and less mobile). "Golden lily" feet were actually considered erotic. Some cultural practices need to be discontinued simply because they are oppressive.
In the west, people only cover their faces in hospitals, during Halloween or Carnival, or when committing crimes. I think it naturally triggers suspicion to see someone walking around with their face covered, as if they have something to hide. It's a cultural bias, I recognize, but it does tend to make an unknown stranger seem less trustworthy. I have heard some women who choose to cover themselves like the feeling of freedom from the sometimes preying eyes of men, that they don't feel like their bodies and appearances are constantly being judged as attractive or unattractive. I think that argument is valid, although in the West they are likely to be judged for their religious belief instead.
It is terrible, but on a rainy day at the playground, a women in a black chador in the distance was gesticulating with her black umbrella, and for a brief moment it flashed through my husband's mind that she might have a weapon. One can't deny that baggy robes would make it easy to hide things like weapons and bombs, and on the bus to the airport it again crossed my mind as I sat across from a woman in black. "I hope she is not a suicide bomber. I hope she is just a normal woman like me."
I am a bit ashamed to admit to having had these thoughts, and yet I think we should talk about these things, air our dirty laundry and let the sun shine on our humanity. When I see a woman in a chador, this is what I see:
In April 2011 France passed a law which bans full-body coverings such as burqas and chadors, for security reasons as well as cultural integration. Apparently they do not have such strong views on freedom of religion in that country. I doubt that would fly in the US, but if we had a large influx of orthodox muslim immigrants to the country, I can imagine the conflicts that would cause.
I want for women everywhere to feel equally valuable, equally free to learn, to make, to do, to drive, to write, to read, to dream, to sing, to dance, to own, to earn, to travel alone, to choose their own spouse, to vote, to choose their own clothing, to have control over their own destinies. Is that me imposing my western values on my muslim sisters, or is that what they also want for themselves?
Thursday, March 13, 2014
The Wong-VanHaren Parenting Manifesto
I will be the first to say we won the lottery in the genetics department when it comes to the temperaments of our kids. But seeing how you can't ever really know how much is due to nature and how much to nurture, I think Mark and I can take a *little* credit for the wonderfulness of our kids, and after 11 years of parenting, reading countless books, attending talks, and sharing best practices with friends, I hope the general public will find this post interesting and perhaps even helpful.
I can't begin to express how thankful I am that Mark and I are mostly on the same page in regards to parenting styles and values. There is such a wide range of beliefs out there, that if we had been on opposite sides of the spectrum, I'm not sure how we would have reconciled our differences.
I like that we discuss our disagreements in private, and generally present a united front to the kids. We have seen families which have parents working at cross-purposes to each other, undermining each other's authority, and it does not go well. So lesson number one is that both parents need to communicate calmly and come to agreement about things.
People regard our children as being very well-behaved, easygoing, adaptable, independent, adventurous, and secure. I like to think that some of this is due to these guiding principles which have steered the course of our parenting. Here they are:
1. We, the parents, are in charge.
We believe that kids are born without the wisdom, experience, knowledge, and self-awareness necessary to make good decisions a lot of the time. They don't realize when they are tired or even hungry. They just want to play. As they grow, we try to teach and empower them to monitor and understand themselves, and make more and better decisions. When they have proved themselves capable of doing so, we give them ever-more freedom. But basically, we are in charge, and what we say goes, because we know best and we want what is best for everyone. If our kids disagree with something, they are welcome to discuss it with us calmly, but tantrums are never given into. My tag line was, "Crying gets you nothing." Sometimes I felt a bit mean to not give in when the kids were upset over something trivial, but I stuck stubbornly to my principles, and they learned quickly that there was no use in theatrics. I waited tantrums out calmly, provide reasons, then restated the reality of what was going to happen, and eventually the kids accepted and complied. If parents are firm but loving, and explain why they make the decisions they make, the kids understand and can deal. We believe that learning to cope with not getting your way all the time is actually an invaluable life skill. I can count on both hands to total number of tantrums these kids have ever thrown.
This particularly applies to both food and bedtimes, which are perhaps the two most difficult issues parents face with kids, and we think they are CRITICAL to a child's well-being.
FOOD: We provide choices, but limited ones. With toddlers, at most two choices. "Today, you can have spinach and rice or beans and rice. Which would you like? Then you can have apple or tangerine." The house is not a restaurant where one can order anything off the menu. Dinner consists of the healthful, varied, adult meal that I have prepared. Trevor can't stand mushrooms and Zoe hates asparagus, so we don't force them to eat these, and we make sure there are other options at the table that they will eat. They can pick the offensive vegetable out of their stir-fry, for example, but must eat the rest. If they have finished one bowl of that night's dinner and are still hungry, then they can look in the fridge for some other leftover they like better, or now that they are old enough to cook for themselves, they can make something like pasta with tomato sauce. If they completely balked at the dinner and refused to eat any at all, our fallback was roasted cashew nuts. These were acceptable to them, but not a treat. Yet they were filling enough that we could let them go to bed having just eaten cashews, and not worry that they might starve.
DINNER is the meal we eat together without distractions. No toys, books or electronics are allowed at the table. We talk to each other about our days, plans for the future, and enjoy each other's company. Once in a blue moon we might have the TV on during dinner, but only under special circumstances, like the Olympics.
2. Sleep is paramount.
All kinds of research shows the importance of sleep on attention, memory and learning. We have observed many times that when the kids don't get enough sleep, their behavior deteriorates and they are less able to control their emotions. We genuinely believe that one of the main reasons our kids excel in school and exhibit good behavior is not because they are smarter than the kids around them, but that almost everyone else is sleep-deprived. Even at 9 years of age, Trev still needs 10 hours of sleep daily to function optimally. If they can show us good behavior with less sleep, we adjust their bedtimes accordingly. Our kids wake up on their own without alarms, which shows that they have gotten enough sleep.
They are also trained to respect the sleep needs of those around them, so if they wake up early and mom and dad are sleeping, they can read or play by themselves, or on weekends turn on the TV. It takes years of training, but kids are capable of resisting the temptation to wake others up.
3. Be independent.
We learned from Montessori preschool that even young kids can do things for themselves, and learn to take care of things. Our cups, utensils, and plates are all in lower cabinets so the kids could set the table, put away the clean dishes, and get themselves something to drink since they were 4 years old. Mom is not a waitress or a maid, and certainly not the trash can. Whenever the kids try to hand me their food wrappers, I point to the nearest trash can and say, "There it is. Or put it in your pocket until you find one." The rags, dustpan, and mini-sweeper are all accessible to them if and when they spill something.
4. This is what to expect, and what I expect of you.
Whenever we are on our way somewhere, we set expectations and discuss how they might cope with any challenges that might be present. We talk about who we are likely to see, remind them to greet people, remind ourselves of people's names. If it's a birthday party, we may talk about how there may be other friends of the birthday child they might not know, but they should be friendly to these children as well, and not be jealous if their friend goes off and plays with someone else. Since our kids are vegan, we talk about how there will likely be cake and pizza that they can't eat, but we have brought a treat for them that they can have, and we have snacks in case they are hungry. We talk about how some kids might get overexcited and start cutting in line, but we aren't going to do that, we have to be patient and wait our turn. Before going to a theatre we talk about being a good audience. By preparing our kids emotionally and mentally for various situations, although they may be experiencing things for the first time, they have already rehearsed things in their heads, and thus feel more confident and able to cope with challenges, rather than feeling overwhelmed or shocked by them. Likewise we talk about, "If we are separated while skiing, where is our meeting point? If you are lost in the mall, what do you do?" Rather than scaring the kids, this empowers them and helps them to feel more secure.
As the kids get older, there are more serious topics to discuss, such as, "What if you are in a store with friends and they want you to shoplift something?" or "What if you are on the bus and someone touches you in a way which makes you uncomfortable?" We cannot protect our kids from the evils of the world, but we can try to prepare them for how to deal with uncomfortable situations so that they will hopefully not be too shocked to react, or worse, feel ashamed and keep their problem a secret.
5. Delay gratification and set priorities.
The cerebral cortex is the part of the brain which controls impulses. Scientists say it doesn't fully mature until about 20 years of age, which is why adolescents tend to suffer from so many accidents. However, children as young as 3 can control their impulses, and in fact, like a muscle, the more those neural pathways are exercised, the stronger they become. In the famous Stanford Marshmallow Study, preschoolers who were able to delay gratification for 15 minutes showed better life outcomes as adults. I believe that because our kids grew up vegan, and had to say no to all kinds of sweets that everyone else was partaking in time and time again, they have exercised self-restraint thousands of times, and thus have highly-developed impulse control. I remember when Trev was 5 and he said, "Mom, can I...nevermind." "What?" I asked, curious. "Well, I was going to ask whether I could have a cookie, but I remembered that I already had one today, so that's enough." I was completely astonished that he had internalized at such a young age the ideas of restraint and moderation that many adults struggle with.
6. Wong-VanHarens are tough.
Long before we had kids, Mark and I watched a biography of Debbie Allen and Felicia Rashad, two sisters who both achieved a great deal and project great self-confidence. We were deeply impressed by the story they told about how their mother would make them look in the mirror and say to themselves, "I am bold. I am strong. I am beautiful." We decided that we should do the same with our kids. Give them a motto, a mantra, a strong identity. We decided that Wong-VanHarens are tough. We don't give up easily, we don't shy away from challenges, and we don't complain much.
Once in Hawaii we swam over to some lava rocks and went exploring with no shoes on. The sharp rocks hurt my feet, but I wanted to see what was beyond, so I toughed it out. Trevor was just 4 years old but I clearly remember him watching me limping over the rocks and saying, "Wong-VanHarens are tough, right Mama?" Another day we were on a murderous hike to the top of the Ko'olaus, a steep 3000 foot climb up a narrow ridge. After two hours, Zoe had had enough and called it quits. Mark accompanied her back to the car. I kept thinking that the top was just beyond the next rise, so I kept going, yet each time another rise appeared. I was exhausted and about to give up when Trevor, at 5 years old, asked whether people could ever get higher than the clouds. I said, "If we get to the top, we will be higher than the clouds and you can see what it's like." He agreed, and this spurred me on. After more than three hours of climbing we made it to the top. The sea of clouds floated before us and obscured everything. Then on a breeze the mist parted and we could see the entire windward side below us and out to the gorgeous blue ocean. We were above the clouds. I was so proud of that boy. We hiked for a total of 5 hours that day, and my knees were sore for a week afterwards, but he didn't complain one bit. He's a Wong-VanHaren.
7. Relax and don't be afraid.
As a girl who never played sports, I used to tense up whenever someone threw a ball at me, and I couldn't catch to save my life. Finally I figured out that if I just relaxed and stopped telling myself I was going to drop the ball, I could catch just fine. Fear and anxiety makes your body tense and clouds your mind, sometimes paralyzing you. We try to teach the kids that one can do almost everything better when one is relaxed mentally and physically.
We enjoy outdoor activities which are somewhat risky, like scuba diving, mountain climbing, flyboarding, outdoor ropes courses, etc. Many of these things require a person to confront their fears. I was an extremely fearful child with overprotective parents, and it took me years to overcome my fears. I did not want to teach my kids to be fearful or anxious, so I try to always model calm bravery and toughness. We encourage them to climb things and learn their limits. Of course we take safety precautions and don't take unnecessary risks, but I'm proud that they have virtually no fear of heights and are very confident in their bodies.
8. Choose to be happy.
We talk about how your life is a series of choices. You can choose how to react (or overreact) to things. You can choose to see a glass half-full or half-empty. We try to be thankful for all we have, and just be happy with that.
9. Use media for learning, and for entertainment, cautiously.
Mark and I both feel we wasted many hours of our childhood watching stupid TV shows. Life is short, and there is so much to see and do. We want our kids to actually play with friends when they are having a playdate, not just stare at screens in each other's presence. We prefer that they interact socially or get some exercise outside. In addition, we feel that advertisements and many shows carry stereotypic, racist, or chauvinist messages, like "pink is for girls" or "math is hard, let's go shopping" or "Asians are nerds". They also often model negative behaviors, like fighting between siblings, talking back to parents, melodramatic eye-rolling, consumerism, etc. Not to mention sexualization of children's characters (seriously, Monster High girls wear way too much makeup and too-high heels; have giant eyes, lips and boobs and tiny waists) and lots of violence. While we aren't Luddites and want the kids to have basic knowledge of popular culture, we prefer to err on the side of overprotectiveness when it comes to media. Two very valuable resources are www.commonsensemedia.org and www.amightygirl.com. They both have detailed reviews and recommendations for books, movies, music, and video games which are appropriate for kids of various age levels.
We firmly believe that between ages 5-13 kids should be reading for pleasure as much as possible, building their vocabularies and imaginations. Lots of excellent children's literature has been made into movies, and that is a great incentive for the kids to read the book first, and then watch them movie. Also our kids earn screen time by reading first. And there are so many excellent educational apps out there, they can learn and have fun at the same time. There are passcodes on all our devices because they really can be addictive.
10. You can do just about anything, with practice.
Some things come easier to some people, but you can learn just about anything you set your mind to, if you practice it well and work hard at it, be it math, musical instruments, acrobatics, or what have you. So set goals for yourself, and make them a reality, one step at a time. This is called a growth mindset, where you believe in effort rather than natural talent. People with this mindset are much more likely to be successful because they know if they put in the work, it will pay off.
Recommended Reading: My all-time favorite parenting manuals.
1. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. About the importance of sleep.
2. The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. If you have a kid who doesn't fall asleep easily by themselves.
3. How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. How to sound less like a nag, and show your kids you understand how they feel. My favorite trick is just describing what exists rather than telling them what to do. Example, instead of "Pick the clothes up off the floor!" try, "I see dirty underwear on the floor."
4. The Kidpower Book by Irene Van der Zande. Teaches physical and emotional safety. How to avoid being bullied, how to set boundaries, and keep yourself safe. Kidpower.org offers excellent workshops as well.
5. What to Read When: The Books and Stories to Read with Your Child--and All the Best Times to Read Them
My favorite educational iphone/ipad apps: Please send any recommendations my way!
1. DragonBox teaches algebra in a sneaky fun game, age 8
2. My Robot Friend teaches cardinal directions, addition and subtraction, positive and negative numbers, sequencing. Age 5
3. The Opposites vocabulary building game, age 7
4. SAT Vocab vocabulary building, age 10
5. Marble Math Math skills but fun. Fractions, multiplication, division, age 7
6. Brainpop short videos on scientific or historical subjects, aimed at kids. Age 6
7. Cargo-Bot puzzles requiring sequencing and teaching basic programming. Age 7
8. Tinkerbox build your own virtual Rube Goldberg machines or puzzles using your understanding of physics and simple machines. Age 6
9. Scramble boggle, age 6
10. Stack the Countries world geography, age 6
I can't begin to express how thankful I am that Mark and I are mostly on the same page in regards to parenting styles and values. There is such a wide range of beliefs out there, that if we had been on opposite sides of the spectrum, I'm not sure how we would have reconciled our differences.
I like that we discuss our disagreements in private, and generally present a united front to the kids. We have seen families which have parents working at cross-purposes to each other, undermining each other's authority, and it does not go well. So lesson number one is that both parents need to communicate calmly and come to agreement about things.
People regard our children as being very well-behaved, easygoing, adaptable, independent, adventurous, and secure. I like to think that some of this is due to these guiding principles which have steered the course of our parenting. Here they are:
1. We, the parents, are in charge.
We believe that kids are born without the wisdom, experience, knowledge, and self-awareness necessary to make good decisions a lot of the time. They don't realize when they are tired or even hungry. They just want to play. As they grow, we try to teach and empower them to monitor and understand themselves, and make more and better decisions. When they have proved themselves capable of doing so, we give them ever-more freedom. But basically, we are in charge, and what we say goes, because we know best and we want what is best for everyone. If our kids disagree with something, they are welcome to discuss it with us calmly, but tantrums are never given into. My tag line was, "Crying gets you nothing." Sometimes I felt a bit mean to not give in when the kids were upset over something trivial, but I stuck stubbornly to my principles, and they learned quickly that there was no use in theatrics. I waited tantrums out calmly, provide reasons, then restated the reality of what was going to happen, and eventually the kids accepted and complied. If parents are firm but loving, and explain why they make the decisions they make, the kids understand and can deal. We believe that learning to cope with not getting your way all the time is actually an invaluable life skill. I can count on both hands to total number of tantrums these kids have ever thrown.
This particularly applies to both food and bedtimes, which are perhaps the two most difficult issues parents face with kids, and we think they are CRITICAL to a child's well-being.
FOOD: We provide choices, but limited ones. With toddlers, at most two choices. "Today, you can have spinach and rice or beans and rice. Which would you like? Then you can have apple or tangerine." The house is not a restaurant where one can order anything off the menu. Dinner consists of the healthful, varied, adult meal that I have prepared. Trevor can't stand mushrooms and Zoe hates asparagus, so we don't force them to eat these, and we make sure there are other options at the table that they will eat. They can pick the offensive vegetable out of their stir-fry, for example, but must eat the rest. If they have finished one bowl of that night's dinner and are still hungry, then they can look in the fridge for some other leftover they like better, or now that they are old enough to cook for themselves, they can make something like pasta with tomato sauce. If they completely balked at the dinner and refused to eat any at all, our fallback was roasted cashew nuts. These were acceptable to them, but not a treat. Yet they were filling enough that we could let them go to bed having just eaten cashews, and not worry that they might starve.
DINNER is the meal we eat together without distractions. No toys, books or electronics are allowed at the table. We talk to each other about our days, plans for the future, and enjoy each other's company. Once in a blue moon we might have the TV on during dinner, but only under special circumstances, like the Olympics.
2. Sleep is paramount.
All kinds of research shows the importance of sleep on attention, memory and learning. We have observed many times that when the kids don't get enough sleep, their behavior deteriorates and they are less able to control their emotions. We genuinely believe that one of the main reasons our kids excel in school and exhibit good behavior is not because they are smarter than the kids around them, but that almost everyone else is sleep-deprived. Even at 9 years of age, Trev still needs 10 hours of sleep daily to function optimally. If they can show us good behavior with less sleep, we adjust their bedtimes accordingly. Our kids wake up on their own without alarms, which shows that they have gotten enough sleep.
They are also trained to respect the sleep needs of those around them, so if they wake up early and mom and dad are sleeping, they can read or play by themselves, or on weekends turn on the TV. It takes years of training, but kids are capable of resisting the temptation to wake others up.
3. Be independent.
We learned from Montessori preschool that even young kids can do things for themselves, and learn to take care of things. Our cups, utensils, and plates are all in lower cabinets so the kids could set the table, put away the clean dishes, and get themselves something to drink since they were 4 years old. Mom is not a waitress or a maid, and certainly not the trash can. Whenever the kids try to hand me their food wrappers, I point to the nearest trash can and say, "There it is. Or put it in your pocket until you find one." The rags, dustpan, and mini-sweeper are all accessible to them if and when they spill something.
4. This is what to expect, and what I expect of you.
Whenever we are on our way somewhere, we set expectations and discuss how they might cope with any challenges that might be present. We talk about who we are likely to see, remind them to greet people, remind ourselves of people's names. If it's a birthday party, we may talk about how there may be other friends of the birthday child they might not know, but they should be friendly to these children as well, and not be jealous if their friend goes off and plays with someone else. Since our kids are vegan, we talk about how there will likely be cake and pizza that they can't eat, but we have brought a treat for them that they can have, and we have snacks in case they are hungry. We talk about how some kids might get overexcited and start cutting in line, but we aren't going to do that, we have to be patient and wait our turn. Before going to a theatre we talk about being a good audience. By preparing our kids emotionally and mentally for various situations, although they may be experiencing things for the first time, they have already rehearsed things in their heads, and thus feel more confident and able to cope with challenges, rather than feeling overwhelmed or shocked by them. Likewise we talk about, "If we are separated while skiing, where is our meeting point? If you are lost in the mall, what do you do?" Rather than scaring the kids, this empowers them and helps them to feel more secure.
As the kids get older, there are more serious topics to discuss, such as, "What if you are in a store with friends and they want you to shoplift something?" or "What if you are on the bus and someone touches you in a way which makes you uncomfortable?" We cannot protect our kids from the evils of the world, but we can try to prepare them for how to deal with uncomfortable situations so that they will hopefully not be too shocked to react, or worse, feel ashamed and keep their problem a secret.
5. Delay gratification and set priorities.
The cerebral cortex is the part of the brain which controls impulses. Scientists say it doesn't fully mature until about 20 years of age, which is why adolescents tend to suffer from so many accidents. However, children as young as 3 can control their impulses, and in fact, like a muscle, the more those neural pathways are exercised, the stronger they become. In the famous Stanford Marshmallow Study, preschoolers who were able to delay gratification for 15 minutes showed better life outcomes as adults. I believe that because our kids grew up vegan, and had to say no to all kinds of sweets that everyone else was partaking in time and time again, they have exercised self-restraint thousands of times, and thus have highly-developed impulse control. I remember when Trev was 5 and he said, "Mom, can I...nevermind." "What?" I asked, curious. "Well, I was going to ask whether I could have a cookie, but I remembered that I already had one today, so that's enough." I was completely astonished that he had internalized at such a young age the ideas of restraint and moderation that many adults struggle with.
6. Wong-VanHarens are tough.
Long before we had kids, Mark and I watched a biography of Debbie Allen and Felicia Rashad, two sisters who both achieved a great deal and project great self-confidence. We were deeply impressed by the story they told about how their mother would make them look in the mirror and say to themselves, "I am bold. I am strong. I am beautiful." We decided that we should do the same with our kids. Give them a motto, a mantra, a strong identity. We decided that Wong-VanHarens are tough. We don't give up easily, we don't shy away from challenges, and we don't complain much.
Once in Hawaii we swam over to some lava rocks and went exploring with no shoes on. The sharp rocks hurt my feet, but I wanted to see what was beyond, so I toughed it out. Trevor was just 4 years old but I clearly remember him watching me limping over the rocks and saying, "Wong-VanHarens are tough, right Mama?" Another day we were on a murderous hike to the top of the Ko'olaus, a steep 3000 foot climb up a narrow ridge. After two hours, Zoe had had enough and called it quits. Mark accompanied her back to the car. I kept thinking that the top was just beyond the next rise, so I kept going, yet each time another rise appeared. I was exhausted and about to give up when Trevor, at 5 years old, asked whether people could ever get higher than the clouds. I said, "If we get to the top, we will be higher than the clouds and you can see what it's like." He agreed, and this spurred me on. After more than three hours of climbing we made it to the top. The sea of clouds floated before us and obscured everything. Then on a breeze the mist parted and we could see the entire windward side below us and out to the gorgeous blue ocean. We were above the clouds. I was so proud of that boy. We hiked for a total of 5 hours that day, and my knees were sore for a week afterwards, but he didn't complain one bit. He's a Wong-VanHaren.
7. Relax and don't be afraid.
As a girl who never played sports, I used to tense up whenever someone threw a ball at me, and I couldn't catch to save my life. Finally I figured out that if I just relaxed and stopped telling myself I was going to drop the ball, I could catch just fine. Fear and anxiety makes your body tense and clouds your mind, sometimes paralyzing you. We try to teach the kids that one can do almost everything better when one is relaxed mentally and physically.
We enjoy outdoor activities which are somewhat risky, like scuba diving, mountain climbing, flyboarding, outdoor ropes courses, etc. Many of these things require a person to confront their fears. I was an extremely fearful child with overprotective parents, and it took me years to overcome my fears. I did not want to teach my kids to be fearful or anxious, so I try to always model calm bravery and toughness. We encourage them to climb things and learn their limits. Of course we take safety precautions and don't take unnecessary risks, but I'm proud that they have virtually no fear of heights and are very confident in their bodies.
8. Choose to be happy.
We talk about how your life is a series of choices. You can choose how to react (or overreact) to things. You can choose to see a glass half-full or half-empty. We try to be thankful for all we have, and just be happy with that.
9. Use media for learning, and for entertainment, cautiously.
Mark and I both feel we wasted many hours of our childhood watching stupid TV shows. Life is short, and there is so much to see and do. We want our kids to actually play with friends when they are having a playdate, not just stare at screens in each other's presence. We prefer that they interact socially or get some exercise outside. In addition, we feel that advertisements and many shows carry stereotypic, racist, or chauvinist messages, like "pink is for girls" or "math is hard, let's go shopping" or "Asians are nerds". They also often model negative behaviors, like fighting between siblings, talking back to parents, melodramatic eye-rolling, consumerism, etc. Not to mention sexualization of children's characters (seriously, Monster High girls wear way too much makeup and too-high heels; have giant eyes, lips and boobs and tiny waists) and lots of violence. While we aren't Luddites and want the kids to have basic knowledge of popular culture, we prefer to err on the side of overprotectiveness when it comes to media. Two very valuable resources are www.commonsensemedia.org and www.amightygirl.com. They both have detailed reviews and recommendations for books, movies, music, and video games which are appropriate for kids of various age levels.
We firmly believe that between ages 5-13 kids should be reading for pleasure as much as possible, building their vocabularies and imaginations. Lots of excellent children's literature has been made into movies, and that is a great incentive for the kids to read the book first, and then watch them movie. Also our kids earn screen time by reading first. And there are so many excellent educational apps out there, they can learn and have fun at the same time. There are passcodes on all our devices because they really can be addictive.
10. You can do just about anything, with practice.
Some things come easier to some people, but you can learn just about anything you set your mind to, if you practice it well and work hard at it, be it math, musical instruments, acrobatics, or what have you. So set goals for yourself, and make them a reality, one step at a time. This is called a growth mindset, where you believe in effort rather than natural talent. People with this mindset are much more likely to be successful because they know if they put in the work, it will pay off.
Recommended Reading: My all-time favorite parenting manuals.
1. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. About the importance of sleep.
2. The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. If you have a kid who doesn't fall asleep easily by themselves.
3. How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. How to sound less like a nag, and show your kids you understand how they feel. My favorite trick is just describing what exists rather than telling them what to do. Example, instead of "Pick the clothes up off the floor!" try, "I see dirty underwear on the floor."
4. The Kidpower Book by Irene Van der Zande. Teaches physical and emotional safety. How to avoid being bullied, how to set boundaries, and keep yourself safe. Kidpower.org offers excellent workshops as well.
5. What to Read When: The Books and Stories to Read with Your Child--and All the Best Times to Read Them
by Pam Allyn. Makes the case for reading, and recommends great literature for all ages and stages.
My favorite educational iphone/ipad apps: Please send any recommendations my way!
1. DragonBox teaches algebra in a sneaky fun game, age 8
2. My Robot Friend teaches cardinal directions, addition and subtraction, positive and negative numbers, sequencing. Age 5
3. The Opposites vocabulary building game, age 7
4. SAT Vocab vocabulary building, age 10
5. Marble Math Math skills but fun. Fractions, multiplication, division, age 7
6. Brainpop short videos on scientific or historical subjects, aimed at kids. Age 6
7. Cargo-Bot puzzles requiring sequencing and teaching basic programming. Age 7
8. Tinkerbox build your own virtual Rube Goldberg machines or puzzles using your understanding of physics and simple machines. Age 6
9. Scramble boggle, age 6
10. Stack the Countries world geography, age 6
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Dancing: My life journey
Last week I participated in a wonderful week-long ballroom dance holiday called Waltz Week in Vienna which culminated in the chance to attend two authentic Viennese balls. As a Stanford undergraduate I attended the Viennese Ball put on by students there, but at the time I did not really know the history and tradition associated with balls in Vienna. Hundreds of elegant balls are thrown in the city of Vienna during the fasching season between November and February. The Viennese waltz is quite fast (180 beats per minute) and consists of continuous spins, and it was popularized during the 18th and 19th centuries thanks to the Strauss family of composers. It is still customary for young people to take social dance lessons. I can't describe how amazing an experience it is to attend a ball in the ridiculously beautiful Hofburg Imperial Palace and dance to live bands and orchestras. Attending the ball with a very seasoned dancer was a dream come true. He navigated me safely through the crowded dance floor and when we waltzed it was like flying (in fact, he is a pilot). Literally the room was spinning and I liked it that way!
I am pleased to have finally taken my social dancing to a new level. I've been on a lifelong journey through many different styles of dance, and while I enjoy them all, I have to admit that there is something uniquely special about social dancing. By social dancing I mean dancing with a partner without choreography, where there is a leader and a follower, regardless of the type of dance or music. I have reached nirvana in social dancing and I describe it thusly: When both partners have attained a level of dancing in which they no longer need to think about the counts or the steps, and they can just interpret the music using their bodies, something magical happens.
I think it's beautiful that two people who might be complete strangers, without speaking a word, through three points of contact can create an ephemeral work of art out of thin air. We are pattern-matching beings, and when the movement through space matches the music we hear, it just feels right in the soul. When the pauses, hesitations, or hits of the music are echoed in the kicks, poses, or leans of the dancers, you can't help but smile. When as a follower you can trust your leader enough to flow with him, match him in mood and intensity, manipulating your weight and centrifugal force in just the right manner that you feel like one body gliding through time and space at velocity, changing directions without friction or loss of energy, it's just plain awesome. Part of the beauty is that it's all novel and unexpected. With a good leader, you can do a step you've never seen before, and be pleasantly surprised. The leader, while they have in mind what step they plan to lead next, must also be ready at any moment for a change of plans-- be it a missed hand connection, an obstacle on the dance floor, or a follower's embellishment. I have nothing but admiration for skilled leaders, who are literally always thinking on their feet.
On one hand dancing is complicated, but on the other I feel people get too tense and over-think dancing. Dancing is just walking, with style. It's fun-walking. Just put yourself in the mood of the music and walk in rhythm with it. If it's bouncy, you bounce. If it's sensual and sexy, you move your hips and glide smoothly. If it's elegant and graceful, you lean and sway with it. Perhaps it feels natural to me because I have so many years of dance experience behind me.
When I was in high school my parents started ballroom dancing with their Filipino friends. They dragged me along and I learned the basics of rumba, cha-cha, waltz, and swing. They had great fun learning choreographies and going on cruises with their buddies. Although I found it kind of fun, it did not call to me. At the time ballroom dancing seemed slightly tacky; a world of fake tans, excessive makeup, overly expressive faces, and loads of sequins. It was something old people did to bad elevator music. The focus of instruction was way too much on the steps, and not enough on the connection and the art of partnering. When one is dancing with not-very-skilled partners, be they overly jerky and painfully wrenching, or confusingly soft and indecisive, it is hard to feel confident and have fun as a dancer. But we all start somewhere.
Mom and dad
My senior year of college I ventured into my first salsa club in Washington, D.C. I couldn't communicate with the Latino guy who pulled me on the floor, but I knew that I liked whatever I was doing and the music made me want to move. Salsa started becoming popular in the San Francisco Bay Area in the early 1990s, and my first date with my future husband was indeed at Alberto's Night Club in Mountain View, CA. However I was too busy starting my teaching career, falling in love, and getting married to venture into the Bay Area salsa scene until my 27th birthday when I had a salsa party and invited Los Salseros de Stanford to perform and give a lesson. That lead to my joining the group, despite the fact that I was many years out of school, and there I learned the basics of Los Angeles style salsa "on the one". I was just about to get serious about salsa when I got pregnant with my daughter. She danced inside me up through her third month of gestation, but then my dance career was railroaded yet again.
Seven years later, with two kids out of diapers, I decided to try again. I performed with Montuno Dance Company at the San Francisco Salsa Congress and learned just how hard it is to perform fast-paced, complex salsa choreography. Click here to see video (I have short hair and am on the left side of the screen.)
I really had a lot to learn, especially how to improve my following technique. I was thinking too much and had tense arms which made it hard for leaders to execute complicated pretzel-type moves quickly. I tried too hard to anticipate the moves instead of letting myself react to the signals of the partner. This made me anxious and it wasn't really fun. Choreography, although sometimes tedious to practice over and over, was still comforting because I knew what to expect and could rely on my memory and the counts. I thought of it more as a performance than a social dance. But it was fantastic to meet other salsa-obsessed dancers and have familiar faces to dance with.
As I became more confident as a social dancer, I became able to express own individuality within the constraints of being a follower. Head rolls, ribcage pops, shoulder shimmies, body waves, hip rolls, and footwork became tools in my toolkit, a physical vocabulary. While some leaders just want to be a puppet master and have the follower under his complete control, the best dancers enjoy and give room for improvisation, for some playful movement banter. I also learned that I am a better follower after I've had a drink, which helps me to relax and calm the overactive and controlling part of my brain, letting the creative and instinctual part take over.
At that point I decided to learn to dance salsa in the Cuban or New York style, which is "on the two". I joined the Mambo Romero Dance Company and it was quite a challenge learning the new timing and different patterns while trying to execute Gabriel Romero's intricate choreography. I have so much respect and admiration for the dedication and skill of my fellow dancers, and the bonds of camaraderie we forged together in the many hours of rehearsal and late nights out dancing are treasured memories. I loved the Cha-cha routine I had the privilege to perform (short hair, on the right).
Meanwhile I tried pole dancing, taught Zumba and Hula dancing at the YMCA in Palo Alto, and enjoyed making my own choreographies. Hula done well is serene, graceful and elegant, yet really grounded.
I've also fallen in love with the sensuality and playfulness of Bachata. My friend John York is a fantastic dancer and we did a workshop together at the Hawaii Salsa Congress a few years ago.
Along the way I attended one of Richard Powers' Waltz Weekends at Stanford, which opened my eyes to cross-step waltz, the world of Gaskell Balls and Dickens Fairs, and kept the spirit of ballroom dancing alive.
Since I've been here in Spain I have put in serious effort studying flamenco, and that tap dancing I did 30 years ago is still there in my brain! Flamenco is powerful, intense and rhythmically complicated. It demands pain and suffering, and complete concentration.
Even though every dance form is different, what I feel they have in common is core muscle control. Ever since I discovered my latissimus dorsi muscles doing pole dancing, I have realized how they stabilize my core and allow each part to move separately and dynamically yet in a controlled and balanced manner. They also maintain a beautiful posture with a long neck and proud chest. I am a serious lat evangelist.
I'm glad that there are so many types of dance still left to explore, like Tahitian, Samba, West Coast Swing, Argentine Tango, and Zouk. I hope to be only halfway through my life at this point, and plan to keep dancing until I take my last breath. I guess you could call me an addict, because I do get high on dancing. But I am not the only one. One night I was out dancing and some random guy asked, "Are you Nerissa? Six years ago I went to your salsa birthday party and tried it for the first time. Since then I have been dancing almost every night. I want to thank you for introducing me to salsa, which has really enriched my life." He had truly gone from a zero to hero dancer, and I am thrilled to have passed my love of dance on to someone. After the dreamy week I spent in Vienna, I have decided to do more social dancing because I tell ya, sometimes sparks fly.
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Tuesday, February 11, 2014
My favorite travel hack
We've taken great advantage of our time here in Europe to travel around the continent. There are various well-priced airlines such as Vueling, Ryanair, Easyjet, and Wizzair, and distances are relatively short so travel time is minimal. My all-time-favorite travel hack so far is www.homexchange.com. It's a wonderful way for upper/middle-class families to travel wherein you exchange your home with someone else. Exchanges may be simultaneous or not. Unlike some property exchange services which have annoying point systems and charge fees per exchange, this one only charges a listing fee, and does not try to control your communication with the other party.
I've been a member for less than a year, and have already completed three fantastic exchanges and have three more arranged. Hotel accommodations for a family of four in any European city easily costs between 150-300 euros per night. With a year's subscription of about 200 euros, we have already spent 26 nights on home exchange, for a savings of at least 5,000 euros, and by the end of the summer we will have NOT spent another 7,800 euros in lodging fees. Single people and couples may find airbnb.com or hostels useful when traveling on a budget, but with a family its much preferable to have a kitchen and separate bedrooms at your disposal. I used to rent apartments via vrbo.com for longer stays, or aparthotels for shorter stays, but again the costs were much greater.
If you think about it, it doesn't make sense to travel and leave your home empty. Your expenses for rent, cable TV, internet, and furnishings are already fixed. Given that we do not have anything of great value in the apartment, we can freely turn it over to another family to enjoy. But it is easy enough to leave jewelry or sensitive documents with friends or in a locked closet.
Clearly, there is an element of trust involved. On the website one can see photos of the home, and one can generally tell right away whether the people share your idea of aesthetics, order, and cleanliness. With video chat such as Skype, Google hangout, and Facetime at your disposal, it is easy enough to virtually meet prospective exchange partners, their children, and verify that the home in the photos is the one they live in. Of course some people list their second homes for exchanges, but one can also view reviews by other travelers which can confirm the trustworthiness of the listing. I believe that few criminals choose to masquerade as families with children. Or course if a place looks too good to be true, it might very well be.
The biggest negative of the system is time. I have logged a lot of hours browsing listings in our various target cities, and sent out hundreds of inquiries, many of which are denied or don't work out with timing. But a less enthusiastic user could just sit back and wait for inquiries to arrive in your inbox, and just take advantage of those if they pique one's interest. Hint: listings which have been recently updated are placed earlier in search results, and thus receive more inquiries. So if you add a sentence or photo every month or so, live in a desirable area, or have a beautiful home, you will receive no shortage of exchange proposals. The website has a functional interface which allows one to search by location, type of vacation, and limit searches by number of bedrooms, etc. Naturally it is important to take good photos and make your listing as attractive as possible. Many of the listers speak English, and if not, there is always googletranslate.com! You can also limit your searches to people who claim to speak the same language as you, but what fun is that? Getting to know someone local can also been a great help in planning your trip, especially in getting recommendations for things to do.
The next thing required is organization. It is best to plan months in advance. For example, the French and the Germans who have the entire month of August off each year like to lock things down six or eight months in advance. And of course travels during the winter holidays are usually planned early. Multiple emails are required to come to agreement about travel dates, for example. Then in addition to packing and preparing for your trip, one also has to wash and change sheets, towels, and leave the place clean for your guests (or arrange for your cleaner to do it). It takes time to write up a document explaining how to use each appliance in the house, but once completed it can easily be reused. The same goes for the map of the neighborhood highlighting the market, post office, metro stops, restaurants, parks, etc. nearby. Google maps are easy to create and share online. Finally, it's optional, but I like to exchange a simple contract with the other party so that our expectations are very clear. It lists the dates agreed upon, addresses of the homes, contact information, and obvious things like "no smoking inside the house" and "guests will reimburse or replace any food items consumed or items damaged or broken during stay."
We have had no issues so far. In fact it has been a delightful experience to drop into a new country with everything we need provided at no extra costs, be it carseats, bicycles, even kayaks and cars! One lady even picked us up from the airport and gave us honey from her own bees. We don't have pets, so it was fun for the kids to have rabbits and turtles for two weeks, and then not.
Definitely, we will continue exchanging homes even after we return to the states. For travel addicts like ourselves, it's a life saver.
Bright and spacious 4 bedroom in the Heart of Barcelona
I've been a member for less than a year, and have already completed three fantastic exchanges and have three more arranged. Hotel accommodations for a family of four in any European city easily costs between 150-300 euros per night. With a year's subscription of about 200 euros, we have already spent 26 nights on home exchange, for a savings of at least 5,000 euros, and by the end of the summer we will have NOT spent another 7,800 euros in lodging fees. Single people and couples may find airbnb.com or hostels useful when traveling on a budget, but with a family its much preferable to have a kitchen and separate bedrooms at your disposal. I used to rent apartments via vrbo.com for longer stays, or aparthotels for shorter stays, but again the costs were much greater.
If you think about it, it doesn't make sense to travel and leave your home empty. Your expenses for rent, cable TV, internet, and furnishings are already fixed. Given that we do not have anything of great value in the apartment, we can freely turn it over to another family to enjoy. But it is easy enough to leave jewelry or sensitive documents with friends or in a locked closet.
Clearly, there is an element of trust involved. On the website one can see photos of the home, and one can generally tell right away whether the people share your idea of aesthetics, order, and cleanliness. With video chat such as Skype, Google hangout, and Facetime at your disposal, it is easy enough to virtually meet prospective exchange partners, their children, and verify that the home in the photos is the one they live in. Of course some people list their second homes for exchanges, but one can also view reviews by other travelers which can confirm the trustworthiness of the listing. I believe that few criminals choose to masquerade as families with children. Or course if a place looks too good to be true, it might very well be.
The biggest negative of the system is time. I have logged a lot of hours browsing listings in our various target cities, and sent out hundreds of inquiries, many of which are denied or don't work out with timing. But a less enthusiastic user could just sit back and wait for inquiries to arrive in your inbox, and just take advantage of those if they pique one's interest. Hint: listings which have been recently updated are placed earlier in search results, and thus receive more inquiries. So if you add a sentence or photo every month or so, live in a desirable area, or have a beautiful home, you will receive no shortage of exchange proposals. The website has a functional interface which allows one to search by location, type of vacation, and limit searches by number of bedrooms, etc. Naturally it is important to take good photos and make your listing as attractive as possible. Many of the listers speak English, and if not, there is always googletranslate.com! You can also limit your searches to people who claim to speak the same language as you, but what fun is that? Getting to know someone local can also been a great help in planning your trip, especially in getting recommendations for things to do.
The next thing required is organization. It is best to plan months in advance. For example, the French and the Germans who have the entire month of August off each year like to lock things down six or eight months in advance. And of course travels during the winter holidays are usually planned early. Multiple emails are required to come to agreement about travel dates, for example. Then in addition to packing and preparing for your trip, one also has to wash and change sheets, towels, and leave the place clean for your guests (or arrange for your cleaner to do it). It takes time to write up a document explaining how to use each appliance in the house, but once completed it can easily be reused. The same goes for the map of the neighborhood highlighting the market, post office, metro stops, restaurants, parks, etc. nearby. Google maps are easy to create and share online. Finally, it's optional, but I like to exchange a simple contract with the other party so that our expectations are very clear. It lists the dates agreed upon, addresses of the homes, contact information, and obvious things like "no smoking inside the house" and "guests will reimburse or replace any food items consumed or items damaged or broken during stay."
Lights and luscious luxury in Lyon
We have had no issues so far. In fact it has been a delightful experience to drop into a new country with everything we need provided at no extra costs, be it carseats, bicycles, even kayaks and cars! One lady even picked us up from the airport and gave us honey from her own bees. We don't have pets, so it was fun for the kids to have rabbits and turtles for two weeks, and then not.
Definitely, we will continue exchanging homes even after we return to the states. For travel addicts like ourselves, it's a life saver.
Bees, bunnies, and bicycles in Berlin
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