I can't begin to express how thankful I am that Mark and I are mostly on the same page in regards to parenting styles and values. There is such a wide range of beliefs out there, that if we had been on opposite sides of the spectrum, I'm not sure how we would have reconciled our differences.
I like that we discuss our disagreements in private, and generally present a united front to the kids. We have seen families which have parents working at cross-purposes to each other, undermining each other's authority, and it does not go well. So lesson number one is that both parents need to communicate calmly and come to agreement about things.
People regard our children as being very well-behaved, easygoing, adaptable, independent, adventurous, and secure. I like to think that some of this is due to these guiding principles which have steered the course of our parenting. Here they are:
1. We, the parents, are in charge.
We believe that kids are born without the wisdom, experience, knowledge, and self-awareness necessary to make good decisions a lot of the time. They don't realize when they are tired or even hungry. They just want to play. As they grow, we try to teach and empower them to monitor and understand themselves, and make more and better decisions. When they have proved themselves capable of doing so, we give them ever-more freedom. But basically, we are in charge, and what we say goes, because we know best and we want what is best for everyone. If our kids disagree with something, they are welcome to discuss it with us calmly, but tantrums are never given into. My tag line was, "Crying gets you nothing." Sometimes I felt a bit mean to not give in when the kids were upset over something trivial, but I stuck stubbornly to my principles, and they learned quickly that there was no use in theatrics. I waited tantrums out calmly, provide reasons, then restated the reality of what was going to happen, and eventually the kids accepted and complied. If parents are firm but loving, and explain why they make the decisions they make, the kids understand and can deal. We believe that learning to cope with not getting your way all the time is actually an invaluable life skill. I can count on both hands to total number of tantrums these kids have ever thrown.
This particularly applies to both food and bedtimes, which are perhaps the two most difficult issues parents face with kids, and we think they are CRITICAL to a child's well-being.
FOOD: We provide choices, but limited ones. With toddlers, at most two choices. "Today, you can have spinach and rice or beans and rice. Which would you like? Then you can have apple or tangerine." The house is not a restaurant where one can order anything off the menu. Dinner consists of the healthful, varied, adult meal that I have prepared. Trevor can't stand mushrooms and Zoe hates asparagus, so we don't force them to eat these, and we make sure there are other options at the table that they will eat. They can pick the offensive vegetable out of their stir-fry, for example, but must eat the rest. If they have finished one bowl of that night's dinner and are still hungry, then they can look in the fridge for some other leftover they like better, or now that they are old enough to cook for themselves, they can make something like pasta with tomato sauce. If they completely balked at the dinner and refused to eat any at all, our fallback was roasted cashew nuts. These were acceptable to them, but not a treat. Yet they were filling enough that we could let them go to bed having just eaten cashews, and not worry that they might starve.
DINNER is the meal we eat together without distractions. No toys, books or electronics are allowed at the table. We talk to each other about our days, plans for the future, and enjoy each other's company. Once in a blue moon we might have the TV on during dinner, but only under special circumstances, like the Olympics.
2. Sleep is paramount.
All kinds of research shows the importance of sleep on attention, memory and learning. We have observed many times that when the kids don't get enough sleep, their behavior deteriorates and they are less able to control their emotions. We genuinely believe that one of the main reasons our kids excel in school and exhibit good behavior is not because they are smarter than the kids around them, but that almost everyone else is sleep-deprived. Even at 9 years of age, Trev still needs 10 hours of sleep daily to function optimally. If they can show us good behavior with less sleep, we adjust their bedtimes accordingly. Our kids wake up on their own without alarms, which shows that they have gotten enough sleep.
They are also trained to respect the sleep needs of those around them, so if they wake up early and mom and dad are sleeping, they can read or play by themselves, or on weekends turn on the TV. It takes years of training, but kids are capable of resisting the temptation to wake others up.
3. Be independent.
We learned from Montessori preschool that even young kids can do things for themselves, and learn to take care of things. Our cups, utensils, and plates are all in lower cabinets so the kids could set the table, put away the clean dishes, and get themselves something to drink since they were 4 years old. Mom is not a waitress or a maid, and certainly not the trash can. Whenever the kids try to hand me their food wrappers, I point to the nearest trash can and say, "There it is. Or put it in your pocket until you find one." The rags, dustpan, and mini-sweeper are all accessible to them if and when they spill something.
4. This is what to expect, and what I expect of you.
Whenever we are on our way somewhere, we set expectations and discuss how they might cope with any challenges that might be present. We talk about who we are likely to see, remind them to greet people, remind ourselves of people's names. If it's a birthday party, we may talk about how there may be other friends of the birthday child they might not know, but they should be friendly to these children as well, and not be jealous if their friend goes off and plays with someone else. Since our kids are vegan, we talk about how there will likely be cake and pizza that they can't eat, but we have brought a treat for them that they can have, and we have snacks in case they are hungry. We talk about how some kids might get overexcited and start cutting in line, but we aren't going to do that, we have to be patient and wait our turn. Before going to a theatre we talk about being a good audience. By preparing our kids emotionally and mentally for various situations, although they may be experiencing things for the first time, they have already rehearsed things in their heads, and thus feel more confident and able to cope with challenges, rather than feeling overwhelmed or shocked by them. Likewise we talk about, "If we are separated while skiing, where is our meeting point? If you are lost in the mall, what do you do?" Rather than scaring the kids, this empowers them and helps them to feel more secure.
As the kids get older, there are more serious topics to discuss, such as, "What if you are in a store with friends and they want you to shoplift something?" or "What if you are on the bus and someone touches you in a way which makes you uncomfortable?" We cannot protect our kids from the evils of the world, but we can try to prepare them for how to deal with uncomfortable situations so that they will hopefully not be too shocked to react, or worse, feel ashamed and keep their problem a secret.
5. Delay gratification and set priorities.
The cerebral cortex is the part of the brain which controls impulses. Scientists say it doesn't fully mature until about 20 years of age, which is why adolescents tend to suffer from so many accidents. However, children as young as 3 can control their impulses, and in fact, like a muscle, the more those neural pathways are exercised, the stronger they become. In the famous Stanford Marshmallow Study, preschoolers who were able to delay gratification for 15 minutes showed better life outcomes as adults. I believe that because our kids grew up vegan, and had to say no to all kinds of sweets that everyone else was partaking in time and time again, they have exercised self-restraint thousands of times, and thus have highly-developed impulse control. I remember when Trev was 5 and he said, "Mom, can I...nevermind." "What?" I asked, curious. "Well, I was going to ask whether I could have a cookie, but I remembered that I already had one today, so that's enough." I was completely astonished that he had internalized at such a young age the ideas of restraint and moderation that many adults struggle with.
6. Wong-VanHarens are tough.
Long before we had kids, Mark and I watched a biography of Debbie Allen and Felicia Rashad, two sisters who both achieved a great deal and project great self-confidence. We were deeply impressed by the story they told about how their mother would make them look in the mirror and say to themselves, "I am bold. I am strong. I am beautiful." We decided that we should do the same with our kids. Give them a motto, a mantra, a strong identity. We decided that Wong-VanHarens are tough. We don't give up easily, we don't shy away from challenges, and we don't complain much.
Once in Hawaii we swam over to some lava rocks and went exploring with no shoes on. The sharp rocks hurt my feet, but I wanted to see what was beyond, so I toughed it out. Trevor was just 4 years old but I clearly remember him watching me limping over the rocks and saying, "Wong-VanHarens are tough, right Mama?" Another day we were on a murderous hike to the top of the Ko'olaus, a steep 3000 foot climb up a narrow ridge. After two hours, Zoe had had enough and called it quits. Mark accompanied her back to the car. I kept thinking that the top was just beyond the next rise, so I kept going, yet each time another rise appeared. I was exhausted and about to give up when Trevor, at 5 years old, asked whether people could ever get higher than the clouds. I said, "If we get to the top, we will be higher than the clouds and you can see what it's like." He agreed, and this spurred me on. After more than three hours of climbing we made it to the top. The sea of clouds floated before us and obscured everything. Then on a breeze the mist parted and we could see the entire windward side below us and out to the gorgeous blue ocean. We were above the clouds. I was so proud of that boy. We hiked for a total of 5 hours that day, and my knees were sore for a week afterwards, but he didn't complain one bit. He's a Wong-VanHaren.
7. Relax and don't be afraid.
As a girl who never played sports, I used to tense up whenever someone threw a ball at me, and I couldn't catch to save my life. Finally I figured out that if I just relaxed and stopped telling myself I was going to drop the ball, I could catch just fine. Fear and anxiety makes your body tense and clouds your mind, sometimes paralyzing you. We try to teach the kids that one can do almost everything better when one is relaxed mentally and physically.
We enjoy outdoor activities which are somewhat risky, like scuba diving, mountain climbing, flyboarding, outdoor ropes courses, etc. Many of these things require a person to confront their fears. I was an extremely fearful child with overprotective parents, and it took me years to overcome my fears. I did not want to teach my kids to be fearful or anxious, so I try to always model calm bravery and toughness. We encourage them to climb things and learn their limits. Of course we take safety precautions and don't take unnecessary risks, but I'm proud that they have virtually no fear of heights and are very confident in their bodies.
8. Choose to be happy.
We talk about how your life is a series of choices. You can choose how to react (or overreact) to things. You can choose to see a glass half-full or half-empty. We try to be thankful for all we have, and just be happy with that.
9. Use media for learning, and for entertainment, cautiously.
Mark and I both feel we wasted many hours of our childhood watching stupid TV shows. Life is short, and there is so much to see and do. We want our kids to actually play with friends when they are having a playdate, not just stare at screens in each other's presence. We prefer that they interact socially or get some exercise outside. In addition, we feel that advertisements and many shows carry stereotypic, racist, or chauvinist messages, like "pink is for girls" or "math is hard, let's go shopping" or "Asians are nerds". They also often model negative behaviors, like fighting between siblings, talking back to parents, melodramatic eye-rolling, consumerism, etc. Not to mention sexualization of children's characters (seriously, Monster High girls wear way too much makeup and too-high heels; have giant eyes, lips and boobs and tiny waists) and lots of violence. While we aren't Luddites and want the kids to have basic knowledge of popular culture, we prefer to err on the side of overprotectiveness when it comes to media. Two very valuable resources are www.commonsensemedia.org and www.amightygirl.com. They both have detailed reviews and recommendations for books, movies, music, and video games which are appropriate for kids of various age levels.
We firmly believe that between ages 5-13 kids should be reading for pleasure as much as possible, building their vocabularies and imaginations. Lots of excellent children's literature has been made into movies, and that is a great incentive for the kids to read the book first, and then watch them movie. Also our kids earn screen time by reading first. And there are so many excellent educational apps out there, they can learn and have fun at the same time. There are passcodes on all our devices because they really can be addictive.
10. You can do just about anything, with practice.
Some things come easier to some people, but you can learn just about anything you set your mind to, if you practice it well and work hard at it, be it math, musical instruments, acrobatics, or what have you. So set goals for yourself, and make them a reality, one step at a time. This is called a growth mindset, where you believe in effort rather than natural talent. People with this mindset are much more likely to be successful because they know if they put in the work, it will pay off.
Recommended Reading: My all-time favorite parenting manuals.
1. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. About the importance of sleep.
2. The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. If you have a kid who doesn't fall asleep easily by themselves.
3. How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. How to sound less like a nag, and show your kids you understand how they feel. My favorite trick is just describing what exists rather than telling them what to do. Example, instead of "Pick the clothes up off the floor!" try, "I see dirty underwear on the floor."
4. The Kidpower Book by Irene Van der Zande. Teaches physical and emotional safety. How to avoid being bullied, how to set boundaries, and keep yourself safe. Kidpower.org offers excellent workshops as well.
5. What to Read When: The Books and Stories to Read with Your Child--and All the Best Times to Read Them
by Pam Allyn. Makes the case for reading, and recommends great literature for all ages and stages.
My favorite educational iphone/ipad apps: Please send any recommendations my way!
1. DragonBox teaches algebra in a sneaky fun game, age 8
2. My Robot Friend teaches cardinal directions, addition and subtraction, positive and negative numbers, sequencing. Age 5
3. The Opposites vocabulary building game, age 7
4. SAT Vocab vocabulary building, age 10
5. Marble Math Math skills but fun. Fractions, multiplication, division, age 7
6. Brainpop short videos on scientific or historical subjects, aimed at kids. Age 6
7. Cargo-Bot puzzles requiring sequencing and teaching basic programming. Age 7
8. Tinkerbox build your own virtual Rube Goldberg machines or puzzles using your understanding of physics and simple machines. Age 6
9. Scramble boggle, age 6
10. Stack the Countries world geography, age 6
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